Does It Have To Be This Hard?
I’ve disappointed my mother yet again. We made plans to go to Wolftrap tonight to see the National Symphony Orchestra. We were supposed to leave around 6pm and when the time came, I just couldn’t go. I was so tired. So, now she’s not going. And she’s not talking to me. It gets harder and harder every day to try and live up to her expectations. And I know I shouldn’t have to…but she’s my mom. I have so much resentment towards her and at the same time, I want her approval. I want her to be proud of me. And she’s not.
I feel like I’m struggling in this world. Struggling to fit some mold. Struggling to survive. I have all of this emotion bursting out of me and I keep it locked inside so that I can make it through each day with some sanity. I feel like I’m kidding myself. I feel like I’m pretending to be happy and content when really, I wish I could just end it all. I don’t want to live in this place anymore. I don’t want to work two jobs. I don’t want to struggle to pay my bills.
I know that God has some plan out there for me, but right now, I’m just so so tired.
