It’s overwhelming…the sadness I feel.
Nicest Thing by Kate Nash
All I know is that you’re so nice,
You’re the nicest thing I’ve seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.
I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn’t figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you’d hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you’d never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
‘Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn’t eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.
All i know is that you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something
The Patient
I went to the doctor’s office on Wednesday because I’ve been in extreme pain for a couple months now. I think I mentioned it in an earlier blog. Well, he said that I need to have a colonoscopy so that they can figure out what’s wrong. He said that, with my symptoms, and the location, I might have colitis. I never thought that at 28, I would need a colonoscopy. I’m eating healthier than I have in my whole life. My habits have changed significantly. The last thing I need to do is quit smoking. So I’m kind of confused as to what’s going on. Right now, I just want to figure out what’s wrong so I can make it better.
I received this in my inbox this morning and it reminded me of how blessed I am. No matter what I’m going through, I have hope. I have a place to rest my head, I have food in my fridge, gas in my gas tank, and a job that I’m able to go to every day. With every thing that’s happening in the world right now, I’m grateful for these privelages and opportunities.
‘How does one acknowledge God’s blessings?’ I asked.
‘Simple,’ the angel answered. Just say, ‘Thank you,God.’
‘What blessings should they acknowledge? ‘ I asked.
‘If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.’
‘And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity. ‘
‘If you woke up this morning with more health than illness …. you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .’
‘If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation … you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.’
‘If you can attend worship without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world ..’
‘If your parents are still alive and still married ..you are very rare ..’
‘If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you’re unique to all those in doubt and despair.’
Stomach Issues and Dr.’s Appointments
In other news…well, there is no other news. I’m working all the time and it’s starting to take it’s toll. I’m tired all the time and I feel like I can never get enough sleep, but when I lay down at night, there’s too much going on in my head and I feel like I can’t relax. I started re-reading the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyers since the fourth book is coming out soon and the movie will be out in December. I just finished Eclipse the night before, so now I’m back to book one, Twilight. I’m kind of hesitant to read New Moon again because I connected so much emotionally to that book that I would sit and cry while I was reading it. It evoked so much inside of my head and my heart. I don’t know if I have the energy to go through that again. But anyway…I’m reading them at night before I go to bed, so I an at least relax a little.
Besides working and working, nothing new is going on. Trying to keep up with the 365 for Flickr and continuing to think about what I’m doing with my life. But I guess that’s an every day thing anyway.
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken
I’m so in the mood to take a nap today. You know when you slide into bed and get the gushy, yummy feeling? That’s what I want. To feel the coolness of the sheets, to have the light of the day peeking through the blinds, to snuggle up and just drift away. I have a half day at the first job today, so I think that’s what I’m going to do before I have to make my way to the second job.
I was reading Sundry’s entry from a couple days ago and she was talking about how she produces these amazing blog entries in her head and when she sits down to write, the magic dissipates. That’s how I feel sometimes. When I’m sitting in the car or when I’m watching tv, I think up these great blogs that just flow and slide across the page, but when I actually have time to sit down and write, I’m at a loss for words. I used to carry a pad and paper whereever I went, but I haven’t done that in, at least, six or seven years. The only problem with me writing things down is that then it’s not taking up space in my head and I forget about it or I move on to something else.
Ok, I have a lot more to write, but I’m way too tired and I need to finish what I’m doing before I leave work today.
Oh, I did want to talk about the conversation I had with A. (the ex) the other day. He called me last Saturday, but I was out, so I called him back on Sunday night and we talked for 45 minutes or so. It was one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time. It felt like old times. We laughed and we joked and talked about music and what we’ve been up to lately. I didn’t mention his girlfriend/fiancee and neither did he. I wanted to, but I didn’t want to ruin the magic. And that’s what makes me ashamed. That I held onto my question so that I could trick myself into believing, if only for a moment, that there was hope. When will it ever end? When will I rid my mind of him? I’ve gone out with several people since we broke up (in 2005), but somehow, my mind always goes back to him. I’ve read book after book, including He’s Just Not That Into You and It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, but even with their sly comments and can-do attitude, it hasn’t worked. What do I have to do? How can I cleanse myself of this man?
Anxiety
I’m stifled by my anxiety. I let it get the best of me in the worst situations and my body and mind just shut down. It makes me feel completely inadequate. We had a meeting today at work and a coworker/friend of mine won a ticket to go see Coldplay. I was first in line to get the ticket and I really wanted to go. Because I love Coldplay and because my friend’s band is in the running to open up for them. But then I started thinking too much. I started questioning. And I turned the ticket down, so she’s giving it to another coworker/friend. There are times when I think I’m past all of this. There are times when I feel like I’ll never have a panic attack again and then it just creeps up on me and I can’t breathe.
Does It Have To Be This Hard?
I’ve disappointed my mother yet again. We made plans to go to Wolftrap tonight to see the National Symphony Orchestra. We were supposed to leave around 6pm and when the time came, I just couldn’t go. I was so tired. So, now she’s not going. And she’s not talking to me. It gets harder and harder every day to try and live up to her expectations. And I know I shouldn’t have to…but she’s my mom. I have so much resentment towards her and at the same time, I want her approval. I want her to be proud of me. And she’s not.
I feel like I’m struggling in this world. Struggling to fit some mold. Struggling to survive. I have all of this emotion bursting out of me and I keep it locked inside so that I can make it through each day with some sanity. I feel like I’m kidding myself. I feel like I’m pretending to be happy and content when really, I wish I could just end it all. I don’t want to live in this place anymore. I don’t want to work two jobs. I don’t want to struggle to pay my bills.
I know that God has some plan out there for me, but right now, I’m just so so tired.
Dear Food Network,
As I was watching Giada on the Food Network searing up big slabs of baby animals, I thought to myself, “Why don’t they have a vegan cooking show?” Now, I am by no means vegan, but it seems like there would be a market for it. They have a show for people who like Italian (Giada), people who like to grill (Bobby), man-size meals (Guy). Hamptons, high society food (Ina), healthy food (Elie), and for the good southern girl, they have Paula Deen. It just stands that they would have a show for people who choose the vegan lifestyle. Maybe they could have a couple of dishes for people with food allergies as well (wheat, peanuts, etc.). I’ve noticed more and more, over the years, I find vegan recipes on the web that I bookmark because they look so yummy! So come on, Food Network, get to it!
(Edit: I went to FoodNetwork.com to make a suggestion and I was presented with – “Food Network appreciates your interest in suggesting ideas, but we accept series and specials proposals only from television production companies with national or major market production credentials.”)
The first step is always the biggest
Weird Science
Woohoo! My first entry. I haven’t had a blog in about a million years (Okay, maybe only three years, but still!) and I’m actually really excited about it. I’ve been blogging on a couple of different sites, but wanted to have a central location to get everything out of my head. I think more clearly when I can write down my frustrations, joys, and stresses. I feel like the chaos in my head becomes a bit more organized. If that’s possible.
On that note, do you ever have those moments when you feel like someone is talking about you when you’re only a few feet away from them? I had that experience this morning and usually I’ll confront the person, but I’m not 100% sure they were actually talking about me. In fact, I’m not even 5% sure, it was just a really strong feeling because 5 seconds earlier, I’d given them the money that I owed for a coworkers birthday cake. I know I’m overreacting and I know I shouldn’t care…it was just odd.
