Alice in Wonderland

July 6, 2009 at 11:55 am (daily) (, , , , , , , , , )

I can’t wait for Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland to come out. I’ve loved Alice in Wonderland for as long as I can remember. In high school, I was obsessed with Lewis Carroll for a while.  Researching his life and researching the story. According to The Researcher, this new version will be based on the second book, “Through the Looking Glass” and will be set in the Victorian era.  It’s sure to be a true Tim Burton film.

madhatter

Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter

redqueen

Helena Bonham Carter as The Red Queen

whitequeen

Anne Hathaway as The White Queen

tweedledeedum

Matt Lucas as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

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Fruit Gems and Bomb Gems and Locked Gems, Oh My!

July 4, 2009 at 9:27 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I have a new obsession. Bejeweled. I play it in all shapes and sizes. Last month, I’d never even heard of it until my mom mentioned she played it on her phone. And now…I downloaded it to my phone (Bejeweled Twist), I play it on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz), and I downloaded the trial version to my computer. When will this obsession stop?

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I’m so…lost.

May 25, 2009 at 2:50 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

It’s back.  It’s evil, little hands are wrapped around my neck, pulling me down.  I’ve survived for at least three years without taking medication for my depression and now it’s come screaming back into my life without even a warning.  It’s just here.  Full throttle and full force.  I’m hoping that once I go back to work, I’ll be okay, but right now, I’m in a very dark place.  A place that I don’t think I can get out of on my own.

I’ve been crying all day for no reason.  I’m restless and unable to be soothed.  I haven’t done anything to prepare for me going back to work.  the only thing I’ve done is clean the kitchen.  I haven’t done laundry, I haven’t prepared in any way, shape or form.  I can barely make it out of bed every day and I’m lucky if I get out of bed to see daylight.  I mentioned it in passing to my mom the other day and she asked if I was going to go see someone.  I really don’t want to.  I hate therapists.  All the ones that I’ve seen, anyway.  The doctor warned me this was going to happen after my hysterectomy.  I just didn’t know it would be this strong.  I thought maybe it would be a small lingering thing, but this is clouding my brain completely.  I don’t even answer my phone anymore.

I’m so….lost.

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Soup, a blanket, and a rainy day

May 16, 2009 at 9:44 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

It was a rainy, dreary day today.  The perfect weather to make soup.  I don’t really have a name for this soup and it’s basically a bunch of recipes combined, but it was sooooo yummy.

I started off by browning some Italian sausage in a heavy soup pot.  It wasn’t enough to cook them all the way through, just enough to get them browned on the outside.  Then I took them out, covered them and put them to the side for a while.  I put a little more olive oil in the pan and added half of a yellow onion.  I wanted to add garlic as well, but didn’t realize I didn’t have any in the fridge.  Once the onions were cooked, I added collard greens and sauteed them a little before adding the chicken stock.  I put in about four cups of chicken broth and four cups of water, along with tons of black pepper, some red pepper flakes, a chicken bouillon cube, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and season salt.  I let the collard greens simmer for about an hour and a half until they were almost tender.  I cut up the sausage that I’d put to the side into bite size pieces, added that in, along with a can of black eyed peas, and mushrooms.  After about 45 minutes, I added the final ingredient…zucchini.  I let that simmer until the zucchini was tender and the soup was done.  The soup ended up being just a little too spicy, but the next time I make it, I’ll just cut back on the red pepper flakes.  I also made croutons to go with it!

soup

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Grey Gardens

May 11, 2009 at 7:21 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

I heard, or I should say read, about Grey Gardens (the HBO version, not the original) shortly after I got out of the hospital in April.  It was a little blurb about Drew Barrymore and her wardrobe in the movie.  I was at my mom’s house at the time, so I didn’t catch it on HBO when it first came on, but I happened to catch it while it was on last week and it left an impression on me.  It intrigued me and scared me at the same time.  After that, I started doing some research on the original film and on the women themselves.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe I see something of myself in them.  How they chose to live in reclusion all those years.  With Big Edie, I question whether it was more agoraphobia than reclusion.  I watched parts of the original documentary on YouTube earlier and some of the comments stated that the women were delusional or not in their right mind, but I think it’s all about perception.  Obviously, there was something mentally off about both women, otherwise, I doubt they’d be living in complete squalor, but when you think about how they saw themselves and saw the world, how can you say they were disturbed?  The whole world lives their lives under perception.  You act a certain way because people perceive you to be that way, you dress a certain way because that’s what you perceive as fashionable.  I guess I just wonder if you can ever really define someone as “crazy” or “delusional”.

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What? I have cancer?

May 1, 2009 at 4:05 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

April 7, 2009 will forever be burned into my memory.  It’s the day that, at 29 years old, I had a hysterectomy.  It’s the day that, at  29 years old,  I lost a piece of myself.  My whole life I was never the girl who wanted to grow up, get married, and have kids, but losing this part of myself makes me feel like less of a woman.  And I know that it shouldn’t…and I know it will take time…but as of right now, I don’t feel like the Layla from five years ago, six months ago, three weeks ago.  I need to find out who I am.  So, how did I get to this point?

For several months, I’d been having stomach pains.  It started off subtly.  A little pain in my stomach after eating.  No big deal, just a little discomfort.  It slowly turned into something much bigger…feeling like hot coals were being dumped into my bowels, doubling over in pain, bleeding from the inside out.  I went to several doctors and no one could tell me what was wrong.  It got to the point where I was taking Aleve every day just to be able to get out of bed.  And then the Aleve stopped working.  It was affecting my job (both jobs) and it was no way to live.  I ended up switching doctors and making an appointment with a gynecologist that my mom suggested, but she had no openings for a month or so.  With the pain that I was in, I couldn’t wait that long.  I called the last gyno that I went to, but made an appointment with a different doctor and she was able to get me in the same day I called.

You know when you go to the gyno, you’re already uncomfortable because, you know, people are sticking things up inside you that don’t belong?  Well, imagine that about ten times worse, pile on the fact that you’re already in excrutiating pain, and then multiply the fact that you’re bleeding on the table like an open faucet.  Not a great experience at all.  If that had been my only experience with that doctor, she never would have seen me again, but she turned out to be one of the best doctors I’ve ever had.  She ended up sending me for an ultrasound (internal and external) and a few days later, I found out that I needed a DNC because my uterine lining was three times the size of what it should be.  At the time of the DNC, my doctor also wanted to do a laproscopic procedure to see if I had endometriosis.  It was an in and out procedure and I was only supposed to be out of work for two days at the most.

The day of my procedure, I woke up in the recovery room in extreme pain.  During my laparascopic procedure, the doctor found out that my appendix was about to burst and had to be removed.  Later, she told me that this was probably the reason why my stomach was hurting.  While recovering in the hospital, my pain wasn’t going away and it was more in the pelvic area and not in the region where my appendix was removed.  The hospital had me on several fluids and two antibiotics and I wasn’t feeling any better.  I had no appetite and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn’t eat anything for four days and when I tried eating, I couldn’t keep anything down.  My nurse (or, one of my nurses) knew that what was making me nauseous was one of the antibiotics I was on and she convinced my doctor to take me off of them.  I felt better instantly.  The next day (April 5th by this time), my doctor came into my room, turned off the T.V. and told my mom to sit down.  After testing all of the tissue they took out of me, they found out that I had uterine cancer.  They weren’t sure what stage I was at or if it had spread.  All my doctor knew was that I would need a hysterectomy.  She wouldn’t know until my surgery if she’d be able to save my ovaries, but it was highly unlikely.  If she couldn’t save at least one ovary, there was a good chance I’d have to be on hormones the rest of my life.  It also meant that I would go through menopause at 29…and it wouldn’t be a gradual transition.  It would be like being pushed into the middle of the highway with a semi barreling straight towards me.

After the doctor left, my mom and I looked at each other and started crying.  I cried because I had cancer.  I cried because I didn’t know if I was going to die.  I cried for the babies I thought I would never have and the babies I would never get a chance to have.  I cried because there were many, many times when I was lying in bed in pain, wishing I could just get rid of my uterus so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore.

When my surgery was over, I felt like death.  More importantly, I felt empty.  I felt hollow.  I didn’t feel like a woman anymore.  But I soldiered on, because if I had to stay in that hospital bed another day,  Iwas going to go insane.  I still had a few more days before I would find out if my cancer had spread, but I was so happy to be getting out of the hospital, I put it out of my mind for a while.  After 10 days in a cramped room, stepping out, or rather being wheeled out, into the sun was like entering a new world.  I felt like I was seeing flying cars and spaceships.  I didn’t do much for the next few day except sleep.  And there was good news on the horizon…the cancer hadn’t spread, so I wouldn’t need chemo or radiation, although she did have to remove both ovaries, so I would have to have more tests to see if I needed to be on hormones.

The other day, I asked my mom if I could be considered a “cancer survivor”.  She said yes, but in my mind, I feel like an imposter.  I mean, I got off pretty easy, didn’t I?  At the same time, I feel like kicking myself in the ass and saying, “Hello!!! You got off easy!”  I should be grateful.  And I am.  I’m grateful that all I have to do now is concentrate on getting better.  I’m grateful that I have a second chance to live the life that I want.  I’m grateful to my friends/family/coworkers who gave me strength and support through all of this.  Without them, I think I would still be wasting away in the hospital.

I guess, right now, my mind is…quiet.  I haven’t really dealt with what happened.  Even writing this, I’m not delving too deep into the emotional side of it all.  I know I will.  I just don’t know what will happen when I do.

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It’s Been A Long Time

April 26, 2009 at 9:14 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s been a long time. I really need to update. New blog coming soon.

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What might have been?

October 6, 2008 at 9:03 am (daily) (, , , , , , , , , )

Ok, I have a lot of catching up to do since I haven’t updated in a while.  I went in for my colonoscopy on the 16th.  I wanted my mom to just drop me off and come back and pick me up, but she wanted to be there for the whole thing.  Why didn’t I want her to stay?  Well, because I’ve hidden the fact that I’m a smoker from her for about 14 years and I knew the anesthiesiologist was going to mention it before he put under.  And he did.  And I found out later that my mom cried when she found out.  And know she thinks I’m some kind of heroin addict.  At least that’s how she treats it.  Because after I got home from having the colonoscopy, things started to go downhill.  My fingers and toes started tingling and I couldn’t keep anything down.  I called my mom and she took me back to the hospital, but this time to the emergency room.  While sitting in the emergency room, my muscles started spasming and my fingers kind of got locked in this claw position.  It was really freaky and I didn’t know what to do or to think.  Meanwhile, my stomach feels like it’s about to rip free from my body and I swear I can feel myself about to pass out.  They finally get me in the room after getting me checked in and here comes an intern to give me my IV.  You’ve got to be kidding me right?  At that point, I was in so much pain, I didn’t really care.  I just wanted it to go away.  The intern started to take my blood first so they could send it for testing and I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden, my blood was gushing down my arm and onto the floor.  I was so out of it, that I just didn’t really care, but my mom told me later that it was pretty bad.
 
After all of that, they finally gave me some pain meds and then I was in heaven.  Complete heaven.  You could have told me anything at that point and I would have went along with it.  Vote for McCain?  Sure!  Be the next person to go into space?  Anything for you.  For the next four hours, the nurses came to check on me a couple times and gave me a contrast to drink so they could do a CAT Scan.  Around 2am and another dose of pain meds, they said I could go, told me to stay home for a couple of days, and sent me on my way.  I went home, passed out, slept for a few hours, and then went to work the next day.  I really did want to stay home, but I just got a promotion and I was the only person out of the two people in my department available to work, so I had to go in.  I only worked for a few hours though, so it wasn’t too bad.
 
I finally had my follow up appointment on Thursday with the doctor and told him about the emergency room visit.  He said that it was probably a reaction to the anesthesia since I was really dehydrated from the prep (laxatives, medicines, etc.).  And he gave me my test results.  He found out that I don’t have colitis, but he did find a few precancerous polyps which is really surprising in someone my age.  Now, I have to go back every year and have a colonscopy done so they can keep an eye on the situation.  I’m so thankful that I had it done, eventhough I was totally dreading it because who knows what could have happened.  Before the test, I wasn’t due to have on until I was 50 and I just don’t even want to imagine what might have been.  I’m so thankful to God for keeping me on this path because I almost cancelled the test several times after all the scheduling conflicts that happened between my doctor, me, and the hospital.  In the meantime though, my stomach is still killing me ALL THE TIME, so my doctor wants me to get some bloodwork done and then he scheduled me for an endoscopy because when they did the contrast at the hospital, it never left my stomach, which means it’s not emptying the way it’s supposed to.  Great mental image, huh?  He thinks it may be diabetes, which the blood tests will determine.  He also wants to check my thyroid and my gallbladder to rule that out.  He also thinks my stomach might be spasming too much, so he gave me a prescription for that.  My endoscopy’s at the end of the month and it’s a lot less invasive than the colonosocpy and I don’t have to do any prep work so I should be okay with the anestisia this time.  We’ll see.
 
So that’s what’s going on medically.  On the job front, I got a promotion and I’m no longer in Collections.  Woohoo!!  I’m now in Billing and I love it.  I was stressed the first couple of weeks because September’s our busiest month and it was just crazy!  But I got through it and was even complimented by the CFO, along with several of my coworkers, so I think it’s a good fit.  I’m still working the second job for the time being, but I cut down to two days a week, so I’m going to see how that goes because I really do like working there.
 
In the personal/emotional area, I’m not doing so good.  I kind of had a mental breakdown the other day, complete with anger and sobbing, and instead of being a release, I feel like it’s sticking to me like a dense fog.  I can’t snap out of it.  My best friend and I aren’t really talking anymore and I’m okay with it, but I feel like I shouldn’t be because we were friends for so long.  I just think we’re in different places and on different paths and there are things that were said to me that I don’t know if I can forgive.  Well, that’s not true.  I can forgive, but I won’t forget.
 
Other than that, I’m plugging along.  My mom and I went apple picking yesterday afternoon and it was so great!  The apples were huge.  They were bigger than my hand and so juicy and yummy and sticky.  It was great.  So much better than grocery store fruit.  It felt great being in the country too.  I really do think that I’m a country girl.  I could totally see myself living out there, but I don’t know if the commute would be worth it for me.  But the houses up there are beautiful and affordable (on my budget anyway).  We saw a sign for a three bedroom house with a monthly payment that’s less than my rent.  I seriously considered it for a minute and then put it out of my mind.  But the more I think about it, the more it’s working it’s way through my brain.  But the driving…that’s going to kill me.  I don’t know.  I need to think about it some more.

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Never Forget

September 11, 2008 at 10:43 pm (daily) (, , , , )

Today, I feel….too many things.

If today had never happened, what would we have gained?
If today had never happened, what would we have lost?

I think about it a lot. I think about how 9/11 has affected the way I look at the world and the way I look at humanity. The way I look at myself. I have to be grateful for every day I’ve been given. No matter how hard it seems. I have to know that I will be a better person tomorrow than I was today.

If I don’t, then what was it all for?

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Ew, is that your sofa?

August 29, 2008 at 10:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

I’m turning 29 on Sunday and I suddenly have the urge to be a grownup. No more mismatched furniture. No more stuff laying around. Useless, meaningless stuff that just sits there. Do I really need to keep that box of Victoria’s Secret mints that came out a million years ago just because they’re shaped like little pink lips? Or the Easter basket my mom gave me a few years ago that has a package of rock hard Peeps still nestled into the grass? Doubt it.

Oh, did I mention that I entered the Ugliest Couch Contest on Belfort Furniture? I wouldn’t necessarily call my couch “ugly”, but it’s a hand me down couch from my mom that was purchased at the tail end of the 80’s. It’s been used as a scratching post for at least two cats and is presently being held together by duct tape. Thank God for slipcovers. So, I got an email from the Admin Assitant at Belfort telling me that I was a finalist. If you’re in the D.C. area this weekend and feel like stopping at Belfort, vote for me (Finalist Sofa A)!

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