Nanowrimo 2010. Let the stress begin!
I decided to do Nanowrimo again this year. Writing a novel in 30 days is so freaking stressful!! I signed up last year, but quit after the first day. I’m determined to be a winner for another year (the first being 2008), but I’m a little behind schedule. It’s day two and I only have 2,300 words. I should be at 3,300, but I’m staying positive. It’s not easy to write when you work over 40 hours a week. I’ve realized, by writing, how limited I am in my vocabulary. I’ve been out of school way too long. I’ve seriously thought about going back, but that happens every couple of years, so I don’t know how serious the feeling is. I need to do something though!
My Bucket List (constantly growing, constantly changing)
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Walk across hot coals
- Visit the Grand Canyon (completed in/around 1996)
- Visit the Amazon Rainforest
- Travel to Italy/Visit The Vatican
- Visit The Louvre
- Attend the National Cherry Blossom Festival in D.C.
- Go to Disney World (went several times during childhood and most recently in 2005)
- Learn Spanish
- Become fluent in French
- Go camping (completed in/around 2001)
- Get tattooed in the Tebori method
- Learn the Argentine Tango
- Learn the Paso Doble
- Win something (won an iPod at work in 2009)
- Learn to shoot a gun
- Learn to change a tire
- Have something dedicated to me
- Go fishing
- Attend the Kentucky Derby
- Ride on a motorcycle
- Get acupuncture
- Buy an expensive piece of art
- Travel to Ireland
- Go to a Drive-In
- Sing on a stage
- Attend Past Life Regression Therapy
- Learn sign language
- Get a tattoo
- Travel outside the U.S. (been to Mexico – Cancun & Cabo)
- Cruise the Caribbean
- Drive the Autobahn
- Visit Australia
- Fly a kite
- Fly in a helicopter
- Fly in an airplane
- Milk a cow
- Name a star
- Ride a horse
- Ride a vespa in Rome
- Ride in a gondola in Venice
- Rub the belly of a large Buddha
- See Stonehenge
- See the aurora borealis
- See the David statue
- See the Eiffel Tower
- See The Last Supper
- See the Mona Lisa
- See the Sistine Chapel ceiling
- Sleep in an igloo
- Swim in the pacific ocean
- Pray with a Buddhist Monk
- Visit Rome and throw a coin in the Trevi fountain
- Visit the Pyramids
- Watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace
- Hold a monkey
- Play with a tiger
- See a whale
- Touch a lion
- Publish a Coffee Table Book of photos I’ve taken
- Publish a piece in a magazine
- Publish a poem
- Read all of Shakespeare’s plays
- Read the bible
- Read the Iliad, the Odyssey, and the Aenaeid
- Write and publish a children’s book
- Write and publish a novel
- Attend a movie premiere
- Attend a world class dance performance in NYC
- Attend the opera all dressed up
- See the Rocky Horror Picture Show live at midnight
- See Wicked
- Tour NYC and see a Broadway play
- Hear my song on the radio
- Know someone famous
- Meet a US President in person
- Live somewhere in Europe for at least a year
- Travel to England
- Take a drawing class
- Carve a pumpkin (completed October 2010)
- Learn to hula hoop
Wow, has it been that long?
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Almost a year actually, lol. I’ve realized how much not having a blog or a journal has affected me. I’m such an internal person that if I don’t let it out, everything I’m thinking about or worrying about eats away at me. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to update on a regular basis. We’ll see how it goes!
Alice in Wonderland
I can’t wait for Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland to come out. I’ve loved Alice in Wonderland for as long as I can remember. In high school, I was obsessed with Lewis Carroll for a while. Researching his life and researching the story. According to The Researcher, this new version will be based on the second book, “Through the Looking Glass” and will be set in the Victorian era. It’s sure to be a true Tim Burton film.
Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter
Helena Bonham Carter as The Red Queen
Anne Hathaway as The White Queen
Matt Lucas as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum
Fruit Gems and Bomb Gems and Locked Gems, Oh My!
I have a new obsession. Bejeweled. I play it in all shapes and sizes. Last month, I’d never even heard of it until my mom mentioned she played it on her phone. And now…I downloaded it to my phone (Bejeweled Twist), I play it on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz), and I downloaded the trial version to my computer. When will this obsession stop?
I’m so…lost.
It’s back. It’s evil, little hands are wrapped around my neck, pulling me down. I’ve survived for at least three years without taking medication for my depression and now it’s come screaming back into my life without even a warning. It’s just here. Full throttle and full force. I’m hoping that once I go back to work, I’ll be okay, but right now, I’m in a very dark place. A place that I don’t think I can get out of on my own.
I’ve been crying all day for no reason. I’m restless and unable to be soothed. I haven’t done anything to prepare for me going back to work. the only thing I’ve done is clean the kitchen. I haven’t done laundry, I haven’t prepared in any way, shape or form. I can barely make it out of bed every day and I’m lucky if I get out of bed to see daylight. I mentioned it in passing to my mom the other day and she asked if I was going to go see someone. I really don’t want to. I hate therapists. All the ones that I’ve seen, anyway. The doctor warned me this was going to happen after my hysterectomy. I just didn’t know it would be this strong. I thought maybe it would be a small lingering thing, but this is clouding my brain completely. I don’t even answer my phone anymore.
I’m so….lost.
Soup, a blanket, and a rainy day
It was a rainy, dreary day today. The perfect weather to make soup. I don’t really have a name for this soup and it’s basically a bunch of recipes combined, but it was sooooo yummy.
I started off by browning some Italian sausage in a heavy soup pot. It wasn’t enough to cook them all the way through, just enough to get them browned on the outside. Then I took them out, covered them and put them to the side for a while. I put a little more olive oil in the pan and added half of a yellow onion. I wanted to add garlic as well, but didn’t realize I didn’t have any in the fridge. Once the onions were cooked, I added collard greens and sauteed them a little before adding the chicken stock. I put in about four cups of chicken broth and four cups of water, along with tons of black pepper, some red pepper flakes, a chicken bouillon cube, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and season salt. I let the collard greens simmer for about an hour and a half until they were almost tender. I cut up the sausage that I’d put to the side into bite size pieces, added that in, along with a can of black eyed peas, and mushrooms. After about 45 minutes, I added the final ingredient…zucchini. I let that simmer until the zucchini was tender and the soup was done. The soup ended up being just a little too spicy, but the next time I make it, I’ll just cut back on the red pepper flakes. I also made croutons to go with it!
What? I have cancer?
April 7, 2009 will forever be burned into my memory. It’s the day that, at 29 years old, I had a hysterectomy. It’s the day that, at 29 years old, I lost a piece of myself. My whole life I was never the girl who wanted to grow up, get married, and have kids, but losing this part of myself makes me feel like less of a woman. And I know that it shouldn’t…and I know it will take time…but as of right now, I don’t feel like the Layla from five years ago, six months ago, three weeks ago. I need to find out who I am. So, how did I get to this point?
For several months, I’d been having stomach pains. It started off subtly. A little pain in my stomach after eating. No big deal, just a little discomfort. It slowly turned into something much bigger…feeling like hot coals were being dumped into my bowels, doubling over in pain, bleeding from the inside out. I went to several doctors and no one could tell me what was wrong. It got to the point where I was taking Aleve every day just to be able to get out of bed. And then the Aleve stopped working. It was affecting my job (both jobs) and it was no way to live. I ended up switching doctors and making an appointment with a gynecologist that my mom suggested, but she had no openings for a month or so. With the pain that I was in, I couldn’t wait that long. I called the last gyno that I went to, but made an appointment with a different doctor and she was able to get me in the same day I called.
You know when you go to the gyno, you’re already uncomfortable because, you know, people are sticking things up inside you that don’t belong? Well, imagine that about ten times worse, pile on the fact that you’re already in excrutiating pain, and then multiply the fact that you’re bleeding on the table like an open faucet. Not a great experience at all. If that had been my only experience with that doctor, she never would have seen me again, but she turned out to be one of the best doctors I’ve ever had. She ended up sending me for an ultrasound (internal and external) and a few days later, I found out that I needed a DNC because my uterine lining was three times the size of what it should be. At the time of the DNC, my doctor also wanted to do a laproscopic procedure to see if I had endometriosis. It was an in and out procedure and I was only supposed to be out of work for two days at the most.
The day of my procedure, I woke up in the recovery room in extreme pain. During my laparascopic procedure, the doctor found out that my appendix was about to burst and had to be removed. Later, she told me that this was probably the reason why my stomach was hurting. While recovering in the hospital, my pain wasn’t going away and it was more in the pelvic area and not in the region where my appendix was removed. The hospital had me on several fluids and two antibiotics and I wasn’t feeling any better. I had no appetite and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t eat anything for four days and when I tried eating, I couldn’t keep anything down. My nurse (or, one of my nurses) knew that what was making me nauseous was one of the antibiotics I was on and she convinced my doctor to take me off of them. I felt better instantly. The next day (April 5th by this time), my doctor came into my room, turned off the T.V. and told my mom to sit down. After testing all of the tissue they took out of me, they found out that I had uterine cancer. They weren’t sure what stage I was at or if it had spread. All my doctor knew was that I would need a hysterectomy. She wouldn’t know until my surgery if she’d be able to save my ovaries, but it was highly unlikely. If she couldn’t save at least one ovary, there was a good chance I’d have to be on hormones the rest of my life. It also meant that I would go through menopause at 29…and it wouldn’t be a gradual transition. It would be like being pushed into the middle of the highway with a semi barreling straight towards me.
After the doctor left, my mom and I looked at each other and started crying. I cried because I had cancer. I cried because I didn’t know if I was going to die. I cried for the babies I thought I would never have and the babies I would never get a chance to have. I cried because there were many, many times when I was lying in bed in pain, wishing I could just get rid of my uterus so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore.
When my surgery was over, I felt like death. More importantly, I felt empty. I felt hollow. I didn’t feel like a woman anymore. But I soldiered on, because if I had to stay in that hospital bed another day, Iwas going to go insane. I still had a few more days before I would find out if my cancer had spread, but I was so happy to be getting out of the hospital, I put it out of my mind for a while. After 10 days in a cramped room, stepping out, or rather being wheeled out, into the sun was like entering a new world. I felt like I was seeing flying cars and spaceships. I didn’t do much for the next few day except sleep. And there was good news on the horizon…the cancer hadn’t spread, so I wouldn’t need chemo or radiation, although she did have to remove both ovaries, so I would have to have more tests to see if I needed to be on hormones.
The other day, I asked my mom if I could be considered a “cancer survivor”. She said yes, but in my mind, I feel like an imposter. I mean, I got off pretty easy, didn’t I? At the same time, I feel like kicking myself in the ass and saying, “Hello!!! You got off easy!” I should be grateful. And I am. I’m grateful that all I have to do now is concentrate on getting better. I’m grateful that I have a second chance to live the life that I want. I’m grateful to my friends/family/coworkers who gave me strength and support through all of this. Without them, I think I would still be wasting away in the hospital.
I guess, right now, my mind is…quiet. I haven’t really dealt with what happened. Even writing this, I’m not delving too deep into the emotional side of it all. I know I will. I just don’t know what will happen when I do.
It’s Been A Long Time
It’s been a long time. I really need to update. New blog coming soon.
