It’s the hippie in me.
I saw this picture today while going through my whole Flickr ritual and realized that I’m in this exact place. I’m at a point in my life where I want to stop poisining myself. I want to stop putting bad things into my body and then wondering why it responds unkindly to me. I’ve thought long and hard about becoming a vegetarian and, sooner or later, vegan and I feel like it’s the right step for me. I don’t really know why I’m fighting it. I guess because it’s so much easier not to be one. Because it’s so much easier to pick up something and just shove it in your mouth, not thinking about where it came from or what’s in it. For the last six months, I’ve been eating healthier than I have in a long time and I feel myself slowly slipping…especially since I have this second job now. I just don’t want to get back to the place I was. I don’t want to look in the mirror and be completely disgusted with what I see.
I know that I don’t need to become a vegetarian to be healthy, but I think that I could be happier with that lifestyle. I feel like it’s the direction that I’m going. I’m still in the thinking/talking stages of it though and I still have a lot more research to do. I just want to make the best possible choice for my life right now.
One of the worst days I’ve had in a while
I woke up to one of my neighbors banging on my door. He said that there was smoke coming from the bushes outside of my house. I looked outside and got some water to try and put it out, but it wasn’t working. I ended up calling the fire department and they came and soaked the bushes and put it out. We think that someone threw a cigarette in the bushes and that’s why it caught on fire. Now my patio is full of branches and dirt because I haven’t had a chance to sweep it off yet.
All was uneventful at the first job until I heard from my best friend. She had either planned on moving here or I was going to move back to Jersey. I purposefully didn’t renew my lease because of it and instead went month to month at a higher price. Well, we were emailing back and forth about it and she pretty much told me that she doesn’t want to move here. Which is fine. But she also said she’s getting an apartment with someone else, so I’m pretty much SOL and need to figure out what I’m going to do. It just pisses me off because she does this to me every year and every year, I fall for it. I think that I’m a glutton for punishment. I think that I like getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed. Then, I can say, “see, I told you so”. That can’t be healthy.
After all of that, I had to go to the second job. All was fine and dandy until this couple walked in five minutes before we were about to close. Which I didn’t mind. They walked around the store, asked questions about the different foods, and ended up picking out something for their dog (who was in the store with them). They had their little boy with them and when they were just about to leave, they noticed that his diaper had leaked everywhere and asked to use our bathroom. No big deal there either. While they were changing him, they let the dog just walk around the store, his leash dragging behind him. One second, I look over and he’s fine. The next second, I see him peeing on two of the dog beds we have in the store. And it’s not even that that pissed me off, it was the way the dog looked at me as he was doing it. Like it was no big deal. Like he was cocky. Like he thought he ruled the nest. And he wasn’t my dog, so I couldn’t really say anything, but it just pissed me off. He probably does that all over their house too. He knew he was the Alpha and he knew he could do whatever the hell he wanted. It seemed like at any minute, he could bite my head off and that scared the shit out of me. So after they left, I had to clean up dog piss from the dog bed and the floor. The beds were wrapped in plastic and I don’t think it soaked through, but the plastic definitely needs to be changed. And the floor needs to be mopped with Nature’s Miracle so that every dog that comes in doesn’t pee on that one spot.
After all of that and after closing the store, I still had to run to the ATM and then pick up something for dinner. I was in the parking lot waiting for the guy behind me to back out and he was just sitting there, so I went for it. Then he started backing up too and I had to pull forward again before he hit me. Then as he’s driving away, he’s looking at me like I’m the asshole.
I finally get home around 9pm and I get even more aggravated because my girl kitty, Dara, keeps refusing to eat. I recently changed their food and she was good on it for a while, but now she won’t eat it. And she’s starting to get skinny. It’s really worrying me. I brought home some samples to see what flavor she might like and I think she’s into the Salmon and Brown Rice, so I may switch to that. I’ll have to watch her over the next couple of days. I’m more aggravated by the fact that she’s so stubborn than by the fact that she’s not eating. I’m just worried about her. I’m taking her to the vet next week, so I’ll ask them if they have any advice.
On the good news front, I’m having dinner with my friends Amy and Ann. I haven’t seen them in forever and they live right across the street! I always have so much fun when I go over there and they just got two new kitties, so I think I’m going to bring the kitty some treats from the store and then pick up some dessert on my way there. I can’t wait!
Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh
Ok, so I went to Old Navy on Thursday and picked up some jeans and a couple pair of pants. I’m wearing my black ones today and I feel like George on Seinfeld when he had that noisy suit. I’m whooshing all over the place. It’s really annoying, but slightly funny!
Nothing really new has been going on. I’m still working all the time and I’m so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. I’m still addicted to Flickr in every way and feel like I need to check it every two seconds. I was babysitting my mom’s bird, Pip, for a week or so and she finally came and picked him up on Saturday. Thank the heavens! I love him, but he is so loud. And he bites. I also ended up entering this contest for Belfort Furniture for the ugliest couch. The couch I have now my mom got when we lived in Florida. Which was….1988. And right now, it’s being held together by tape and a dream. It’s ripped apart on the side from where my cat used it as a scratching post and you need the jaws of life to get back off the couch one you sit down. It’s covered by a slipcover at the moment, but it would be great to win, so I wouldn’t have to invest in a new couch myself.
I’m still waiting for my copy of Breaking Dawn to come in. I’m dying to read it!
Ok, gotta get back to work.
“I miss you honey. I….I just miss you. Your smell, your warmth, your touch. That face. Oh how I miss that face.”
I was cleaning out my emails and found some old ones from A. I thought I’d deleted them all, but I guess not. I wish I wasn’t so hung up on him. I really do. I don’t know what’s preventing me from moving on. I’m hoping I’m thinking about him as a distraction for something else that’s going on in my life because, seriously, am I really this pathetic?
It’s overwhelming…the sadness I feel.
Nicest Thing by Kate Nash
All I know is that you’re so nice,
You’re the nicest thing I’ve seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.
I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.
I wish you couldn’t figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you’d hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you’d never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
‘Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn’t eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.
All i know is that you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something
The Patient
I went to the doctor’s office on Wednesday because I’ve been in extreme pain for a couple months now. I think I mentioned it in an earlier blog. Well, he said that I need to have a colonoscopy so that they can figure out what’s wrong. He said that, with my symptoms, and the location, I might have colitis. I never thought that at 28, I would need a colonoscopy. I’m eating healthier than I have in my whole life. My habits have changed significantly. The last thing I need to do is quit smoking. So I’m kind of confused as to what’s going on. Right now, I just want to figure out what’s wrong so I can make it better.
I received this in my inbox this morning and it reminded me of how blessed I am. No matter what I’m going through, I have hope. I have a place to rest my head, I have food in my fridge, gas in my gas tank, and a job that I’m able to go to every day. With every thing that’s happening in the world right now, I’m grateful for these privelages and opportunities.
‘How does one acknowledge God’s blessings?’ I asked.
‘Simple,’ the angel answered. Just say, ‘Thank you,God.’
‘What blessings should they acknowledge? ‘ I asked.
‘If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.’
‘And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity. ‘
‘If you woke up this morning with more health than illness …. you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .’
‘If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation … you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.’
‘If you can attend worship without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world ..’
‘If your parents are still alive and still married ..you are very rare ..’
‘If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you’re unique to all those in doubt and despair.’
Stomach Issues and Dr.’s Appointments
In other news…well, there is no other news. I’m working all the time and it’s starting to take it’s toll. I’m tired all the time and I feel like I can never get enough sleep, but when I lay down at night, there’s too much going on in my head and I feel like I can’t relax. I started re-reading the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyers since the fourth book is coming out soon and the movie will be out in December. I just finished Eclipse the night before, so now I’m back to book one, Twilight. I’m kind of hesitant to read New Moon again because I connected so much emotionally to that book that I would sit and cry while I was reading it. It evoked so much inside of my head and my heart. I don’t know if I have the energy to go through that again. But anyway…I’m reading them at night before I go to bed, so I an at least relax a little.
Besides working and working, nothing new is going on. Trying to keep up with the 365 for Flickr and continuing to think about what I’m doing with my life. But I guess that’s an every day thing anyway.
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken
I’m so in the mood to take a nap today. You know when you slide into bed and get the gushy, yummy feeling? That’s what I want. To feel the coolness of the sheets, to have the light of the day peeking through the blinds, to snuggle up and just drift away. I have a half day at the first job today, so I think that’s what I’m going to do before I have to make my way to the second job.
I was reading Sundry’s entry from a couple days ago and she was talking about how she produces these amazing blog entries in her head and when she sits down to write, the magic dissipates. That’s how I feel sometimes. When I’m sitting in the car or when I’m watching tv, I think up these great blogs that just flow and slide across the page, but when I actually have time to sit down and write, I’m at a loss for words. I used to carry a pad and paper whereever I went, but I haven’t done that in, at least, six or seven years. The only problem with me writing things down is that then it’s not taking up space in my head and I forget about it or I move on to something else.
Ok, I have a lot more to write, but I’m way too tired and I need to finish what I’m doing before I leave work today.
Oh, I did want to talk about the conversation I had with A. (the ex) the other day. He called me last Saturday, but I was out, so I called him back on Sunday night and we talked for 45 minutes or so. It was one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time. It felt like old times. We laughed and we joked and talked about music and what we’ve been up to lately. I didn’t mention his girlfriend/fiancee and neither did he. I wanted to, but I didn’t want to ruin the magic. And that’s what makes me ashamed. That I held onto my question so that I could trick myself into believing, if only for a moment, that there was hope. When will it ever end? When will I rid my mind of him? I’ve gone out with several people since we broke up (in 2005), but somehow, my mind always goes back to him. I’ve read book after book, including He’s Just Not That Into You and It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, but even with their sly comments and can-do attitude, it hasn’t worked. What do I have to do? How can I cleanse myself of this man?
Anxiety
I’m stifled by my anxiety. I let it get the best of me in the worst situations and my body and mind just shut down. It makes me feel completely inadequate. We had a meeting today at work and a coworker/friend of mine won a ticket to go see Coldplay. I was first in line to get the ticket and I really wanted to go. Because I love Coldplay and because my friend’s band is in the running to open up for them. But then I started thinking too much. I started questioning. And I turned the ticket down, so she’s giving it to another coworker/friend. There are times when I think I’m past all of this. There are times when I feel like I’ll never have a panic attack again and then it just creeps up on me and I can’t breathe.
Does It Have To Be This Hard?
I’ve disappointed my mother yet again. We made plans to go to Wolftrap tonight to see the National Symphony Orchestra. We were supposed to leave around 6pm and when the time came, I just couldn’t go. I was so tired. So, now she’s not going. And she’s not talking to me. It gets harder and harder every day to try and live up to her expectations. And I know I shouldn’t have to…but she’s my mom. I have so much resentment towards her and at the same time, I want her approval. I want her to be proud of me. And she’s not.
I feel like I’m struggling in this world. Struggling to fit some mold. Struggling to survive. I have all of this emotion bursting out of me and I keep it locked inside so that I can make it through each day with some sanity. I feel like I’m kidding myself. I feel like I’m pretending to be happy and content when really, I wish I could just end it all. I don’t want to live in this place anymore. I don’t want to work two jobs. I don’t want to struggle to pay my bills.
I know that God has some plan out there for me, but right now, I’m just so so tired.
